YEAH

i have a boyfriend omg

lol so jaime and i are SO an item. he's like.... awesome. like normal and sexy and wonderful and dreamy and too good to be true. MUCH BETTER THAN MY LAST BOYFRIEND. RYAN. you suck, stop harassing me. stop texting me and bugging me with your garbage, you don't even have all the facts and you're just jumping to conclusions like your family does.

anyway, back to my awesome boyfriend who is completely unbelievable. jaime jaime jaime

i feel kinda dumb but i'm going head over heeels for him. like at the beginning, i was kind of apprehensive because i didn't really wanna be in a committed relationship with one person (considering the fact that my last relationship was a little fucked up) but it's been a couple weeks and i'm finding that i'm so loca por el. we just... we have fun. like the kind of fun i haven't had in a million years, the kind of fun that makes you just glad to be alive, like you live day by day and i don't know what i'm doing tomorrow night but i know i'm gonna have a bumpin time because that's how i roll. life is WAY too short to live worrying about the past and all that garbage, i'd much rather bounce back despite unhappy times and keep on rappin.

oh yeah so last night was AWESOME!!! it was the halloween party that chelsie and jaime and i organized and i spent way too much money on it but i don't care because it was completely worth it, so many people came and it was so bouncing and the music was awesome and the food was awesome and everybody was dancing and having fun and having a great time and it was pretty much awesome oh yes. oh yes it kicked every other party's ass. yes my party was kick ass awesome. OMG I WAS BATGIRL and i was sooo sexy and my boyfriend was cool with it because he's a sexy beast too so it's all good

ha ha screw ginza. i like the chefs, that's about it. they're so cool but i'm so done with that bullshit drama between the girls and kim and even sean sometimes... it's stupid. anyway, so i'm done taking home HALF of my tips every night, still @ 90 percent even after all my loyalty and hard work and going out of my way a hundred times to cover other shifts. they don't appreciate me and i'm just done with that garbage. oh yeah but i'm working at applebees now... and like i was supposed to have five days training... but on my second day i was taking every table by myself and doing a damn good job at it and i made such good tips and got such good feedback from the other employees that my manager aaron said to me that night " um, yeah... so i think you're done with training... " you know why? because i'm GREAT. oh yes... but anyway so today i made more money during lunch with tips than i would normally make at ginza on a weeknight. hells yeah. and you know what aaron said today? " you're incredible. fifty bucks? " oh yes i know i'm the best. damn. and it's like they already appreciate me and my hard work and how much i try to make life wonderful for everyone... and i've been there for like three days. anyway i just remembered that i gotta do some paperwork so bye bye

cancellations and the single life

so yeah ok wedding canceled, the end.

the single life... ah, not to sound cruel, but it's good to be back. i haven't been single for a few years now and now i realize how much fun it is. of course, i'm starting to get kind of full of myself, considering that every single night of the week i have somewhere to be and someone to be with. so i gotta cut down on the cockiness, but i still have a hell of a lot of fun. this week i'm booked up with jaime a lot, and thursday he and chelsie and i are going to madison to find a good party place. it'll be awesome as long as we don't accidentally walk into a gay bar. then this weekend kris is coming  home (yay!) and we're gonna do whatever the hell we want because i miss her so so so much! and finally, i might be able to finally go out with angel on sunday but of course something will come up, because every time we try hooking up, something gets in the way. damn, that boy is fine. although personally i have a considerable amount of respect more for jaime. i've gotten to hang out so much more with people i love, like chris. another fine guy, but it's even better because we share so much in common and we have all these common memories, it's really cool. and now jhonotan (angel's [also sexy] brother) is even showing an increasing interest in me, but my schedule is always so full that i'm becoming increasingly hard-to-get. ha ha it's a shame though, cause he's pretty hot. then there's nick, a very cute bartender at ginza who i often exercise with at snap fitness after work. he's so sweet and he wants to get together sometime just to hang out or whatever, but i feel bad because i never know when i can. maybe sunday, if the plans with angel fall out as fate dictates ha ha.

oh man, oscar called me this morning and at first i thought he had the wrong number and didn't want to talk to me at all, but it turned out that he was bored and was trying to remember my number. he actually sounded happy to talk with me and, in his own way, apologized for acting so distant lately (he's been pretty standoffish towards me for the last week and a half and i couldn't figure it out) but he really didn't mean anything by it. i was so glad to talk to him though, because i missed our friendship since it felt like it had been put on hold. there had been a point a couple weeks ago when i thought maybe i wanted a more serious relationship with oscar, but the way he is just really isn't relationship material for me, so i've settled down to just a fun friendship (which is still awesome cause oscar is a lot of fun even just as a friend.)

jaime and shelley (a lady i met monday night at chalet) both work at applebees, and although i deplore the idea of working there, i need a second job, and apparently they say they can get me in, even if it's only a couple days during the week (which is cool cause i'm way too lazy to work every single day for two jobs.) so we'll see what happens with that.

DAMN!!!! i'm so freaking pissed off! kim yelled at me about something stupid the other day and we argued (which is bad because she's kind of my boss) so i really don't wanna see her today and i'm supposed to work. but it's so stupid because i asked people if they could maybe cover my shift today because i worked for aiga last night and i didn't get to do what i wanted to get done yesterday (plus i wanna go out with jaime since he has off). but of course everyone says no, they're busy. it's really kind of unfair and pretty stupid because you know, the whole time i've worked at ginza, i've only missed like one day of work, and i've only been late once. and i never ask anybody to cover my shifts--- i just go to work when i'm scheduled, not to mention the fact that i've worked extra shifts a hundred times when they call me in, and i've covered other peoples' shifts a hundred times (particularly danielle and aiga and vesi)... and what do i get? fuckin nothing. no thanks, no bonus, no appreciation or recognition- all that i can live with. i don't need any of that anyway, but when i want just once to have someone take my shift, of course nobody is available. it's such bullshit.

well, i barely spend money anymore, except for things i really need... like gas and music. ha ha actually jaime (btw, very sexy) and i dance a lot. he's an excellent leader and apparently i've been told i'm a very good follower, and next we're gonna learn how to dance tango. alright! sexy delicious tango.... how could that get any better? oh yeah, with a sexy delicious guy. damn he's hot stuff. but i should probably get myself some nice dresses or something. my wardrobe is completely out of date... i wonder why? oh yeah, maybe it has something to do with a freaking stingy-ass ex. ha ha jk it's ok, ryan is very careful with money. i'm careful too, but i just have a different opinion on what's worthwhile to spend money on.

it's ok, it's all part of the show, right?

Apparently...

dad doesn't want me to marry ryan because he isn't orthodox.

i say i'm not going to try to force the man i love to change his religion for me.

he says i can fall in love with whomever i choose to love.

i think to myself that he might as well just ascribe a man to me, like pick one out of a big fat crowd of young white affluent orthodox men. maybe even catholic. it's all better protestants, apparently.

i think to myself that the man i marry doesn't have to be perfect for me.

i think to myself that mom and dad aren't perfect for each other- but they've loved each other for over 25 years, despite all their faults and frustrations and differences. despite the fact that one is (essentially) baptist and the other is orthodox.

i think... if those two can love each other so much, both highly intelligent people with rather severely opinionated minds (much more rigid than either me or ryan), then why can't ryan and i get by? mom and dad were high school sweethearts, too. not to say that gives us anything, but at least they can't condemn us for trusting our affectionate insticts towards one another (so to say, they can't be all "you're too young to know you're talking about love, blah blah blah..." type thingy.)

i say nothing.

he says ryan is pulling me away from the church.

i am angry. i say that's a very rude assumption to make. ryan isn't pulling me away, i am not losing my faith in the least.

he says i never tell him anything.

i think to myself that i don't talk to dad because there's never an opportunity, and if there is, i choose not to speak of ryan. i have rarely discussed boys with my father. he's too cynical, too distrusting, too frustrating. besides.... it's impossible to have a "discussion" with him anyway, since every time you start talking, you're allowed between thirty seconds to 1.5 minutes to speak, then he steals the conversation and it's lost. and every ten minutes you get between fifteen and twenty five seconds of more talk time... unless you interrupt him, in which case you're allowed strictly fifteen seconds.

i say nothing.

the rest is somewhat of a blur, considering all the new information. he says that he'll either have to oppose ryan, or leave the Church.

this doesn't make sense to me.

he goes on to say that he feels obligated to oppose my marriage to ryan because doing so would be forfeiting my allegiance to the Church, since we won't have an orthodox wedding.

i say ryan isn't orthodox.

i think to myself, why can't i still be orthodox? there will be things i can't do, since my husband won't be orthodox, but.....

sigh. there's something important to take into consideration here. i was not born orthodox. i didn't even grow up orthodox. i've had an orthodox influence since i was five, but i rejected it (despite my fascination with it) until i was eleven or twelve, and i've been orthodox by name since i was fifteen. i know nothing about being an orthodox wife or an orthodox mother. i know there are certain responsibilities associated with that role, but I CAN'T DO IT. i don't know how! i'm not even very good at praying twice a day! i'm horrible at being orthodox. the only things i can do are fast and defend my beliefs..... and i don't even know every detail about the religion yet. i haven't had a very big influence of orthodoxy, so how the hell am i supposed to just suddenly, miraculously, become an orthodox wife/mother the moment i marry an orthodox man? dad expects all these things from me, but he just doesn't seem to understand that it's not possible with the life i've had. and personally, i wouldn't exactly feel all that comfortable just suddenly having all these new things thrust upon me. i'm orthodox, but i'm not that orthodox. i knew this religion was a tough one even before i was baptised, but this is something i just wouldn't be able to handle.

oh. also, i think that dad is feeling desperate without knowing it. i'm the only one of his three daughters who's orthodox, so i think he realizes i'm his only shot.

but i didn't grow up orthodox, and i can't marry someone who did. we wouldn't understand each other! but i can marry someone who's the same religion i used to be, someone i love very much, who i can relate to and understand. he might not be exactly perfect for me, but he's perfect enough that i believe in us to love each other for the rest of our lives.

i think all these things.

dad says that by "oppose ryan," he would probably call him up and tell him that he's not welcome here anymore.

i think to myself that i would never let him tear me away from ryan, or vice versa. fuck the wedding funding. i will marry whom i love, no matter who opposes. the reasons for opposing are what matter, and i don't agree with his reasons.

i say nothing once again.

he says however, if he does "oppose ryan," it'll put a great strain on his own marriage. he says it will "tear the family apart" because mom doesn't have anything against ryan, and she'll defend our marriage.

i say mom isn't orthodox.

he says that if he does nothing, he'll feel "pressure from the Church" to do something about the marriage, so for the sake of his own personal turmoil and to relieve the stress at home, he'd have to leave the Church.

i think this also makes no sense. i imagine Father is discussing the marriage with my dad and he's probably saying something like that, but it still seems rather extreme... especially considering that i have no intentions of actually leaving the Church.

i think... why can't i just marry the man i love and be allowed happiness with it? why don't i deserve a peaceful wedding with ryan?

he says i just need to consider what i'm doing.

i think to myself how impossible my dad really can be.

i say i'm marrying the man i love- that's what i'm doing.

ryan and mom and i went to see the nightmare before christmas in 3D and it was just as freakin sweet as cassie said it would be. although she didn't use that term. it was freakin sweet. i mean, the movie's awesome enough to begin with (i'd only seen most of it once before, a few weeks ago) so it's only natural that it's the greatest thing since cinnamon-sugar in a third dimension.

y'know when they say something is 4D, it's supposed to be like water or fire or wind or whatever? well.... no. those things are all components of the third dimension. the fourth dimension is time- we live in the fourth dimension.

1st dimension: a point

2nd dimension: a plane

3rd dimension: space

4th dimension: time

YES!! i feel smart.

so i've been eating a lot of carrots recently, and i'm unsure why... but i'm not really complaining. it's better for me than any greasy crap. bleh. oh! i forget if i've mentioned that we're doing preseason training for soccer! no foot skills, but just core work and speed and endurance training. it's been really fun- sometimes there's only five of us, other times there's fifteen. it's really great, i love these girls! the workouts are every day right after school and they can be kinda difficult but it's so totally worth it cause i feel amazing! they don't last very long, usually not even until 430, but mindy and i have been running together after practice to burn more calories and keep our stamina up. it's so great.

sigh... i guess i won't be a complete blonde after all. bev, my hair stylist, is extremely reluctant to dye my entire head white because i've never done it before, it'll kill my scalp, it'll destroy my hair, etc etc etc.......... so i think i'll just play around with it and keep my naturally beautiful hair naturally beautiful and just put it teensy weensy long strands of bleached hair. it'll be cool, i promise.

i just bought a bunch of music from the nightmare before christmas. i never realized just how much i'd love that movie!

mrs robkin is submitting my artwork in the competition. ^ ^

a bunch of happy crap! yay! ^o^

so recently i've really gotten into pen and watercolor... you know what that means: inking my sketches, cartoons, and doodles! i know you're all just thinking, "OMG! yay! like, i'm so... yay! i'm so happy! oh! omg!" hehe yeah...

anyway, if you wanna see a few of my inked sketches they're in my photoblog. they're so freaking cute! but right now i only have a few finished. i really hated using pen to draw until mrs robkin gave me an assignment for AP Art that required an architecture sketch in pen medium. it turned out really cool, actually, and that started me on a pen-craze. yeah, baby.

in other news, i'm gonna get my hair layered and bleached. and when i say bleached, i mean white. not blonde or hi-lighted or whatever. white. hehe it's gonna be like an ANIME-NIGHTMARE!! mwehehe i really wish i could get it done before halloween but mom and i've been putting it off cause i couldn't decide if i really wanted to or not... but i'm gonna. i've never dyed or hi-lighted or done any coloring with my hair before. and now i'm young and reckless and looking into art college (where everyone looks crazy anyway) and i already got all my senior pictures done so why the hell not? now you're thinking, "cause you'll look psycho and sick and you're destroying your beautiful hair" and i'm thinking, "shut your face, stupid."

yay! so happy so happy so happy

oh, and we're reaching our peak in autumnal beauty right now, so get out there and go for a nice walk through the woods! them maples look fantastic right now, but i promise you that in a week they'll be way past their prime! so go enjoy the beauty while it lasts, kittens.

yum, kitten! ^ ^

ryan tossed their stray kitten out the window while joe was going thirty five miles an hour! OMGSOMEONECALLPETA!! ha ha just kidding, but it was almost that bad. they dropped the cat off a mile or two away from their house and drove away. you sick twisted humanoids, when will you learn? cats are surprisingly intelligent, even as kittens. she'll probably find her way back, thanks to her excellent feline sense of direction. but if she doesn't, then it's probably because she got hit by a car. jerks. ;D just kidding! i love you, ryan...

i was hanging out with kris and tina last night. we went to a bonfire after kris did my make up all heavy and hooker-styled (although i admit it looked surprisingly good) and then we hung out at tina's and tickled each other and wrestled and watched The Nightmare Before Christmas (this was actually the first time i've ever seen most of it, and it has excellent art and i like the zombie frankenstein girl!). it was sweet. kris and i really wanted to go to this party at mike's house, but decided if we were gonna, we shouldn't bring tina along... and we didn't wanna just abandon her, so we hung out and had a great time regardless! woot. it was a really fun night. although i still got home early enough that i was still itching to party all night long but of course my parents wouldn't stand for that... bleh

mom says my currently favorite band, NEUROSONIC, is coming to madison on the 28th. but i guess she's been looking into it and says they're not saying where they're playing, and the concert's in a few days! oh no! we both really wanna go, but it might not happen... oh... :(

oh man, i really gotta pee

i've really had this insane urge to pee for the past... oh, hour? but i've been really preoccupied with scanning my pictures and stuff and typing this insanely long post that i keep putting it off. eek! i gotta pee!!

i got to spend part of today with ryan. woot! i love him, he's so lovely. breakfast was yummy! but tomorrow i dunno if we'll get to eat breakfast together... probably not... anyway, we got to see trevor and it was sweet: trevor came out to the door and was looking at some mail and said, "hey, sweet, i've got sixty-one dollars and fourteen cents now." (or something like that) and ryan holds out two big fat one-hundred dollar bills and i'm like, "well, now you've got two-hundred and sixty-one dollars and fourteen cents." and he got this great big grin like trevor grins and we all three hugged and sang kum-ba-ya. er... we all three went out and ate chinese and then we played halo 3 and ryan won but i got 22 kills! actually, 23 if you count when i killed ryan immediately after he finished the game by killing trevor... but i was so much fun! i love halo. it was so great, i think because we're all on a very much more level playing field, so competition was pretty fair. today was fun.

oh yes. i very nearly forgot. ryan bought a baby today. oh yeah! btw, ryan's mom is having a girl! DAMN!! i really really really was hoping it'd be a boy.... (painful groan of agony) ............ well, we won't go there................................................... but it shoulda been a boy. >.<

anyway, ryan bought a baby. her name is X. last name, 360. oh yes, it's true. he buckled her in and kissed her as we put her into the car at media warehouse. how sweeeet..... (bitter glare)

oh, i got my senior pictures back the other day. they look incredible... especially the texture one drake made. we got a really nice big copy of it, and it looks incredible! i have no idea where in the house we're gonna put it, though.

my phone is happy because it's orange now.